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Realizations. July 16th 2008, Wednesday : 12 comments
I wanted to bloghop and return all of the comments on my previous entry but then all of a sudden, my energy went down the drain after reading sherwin`s comment. I just wanna die right now. Somebody please break my heart and crush it into pieces please. To : My x-rockstar. I thought that I was completey over you. I guess my blissful relationship with sherwin covered up the remaining feelings that I had for you. And now. It`s fully alive. All these fuzzy feelings creeping up on me like a dead zombie trying to get its revenge for experiencing an untimely death. Robbing me off that piece of mind that I badly need. Zombie that`s haunting me every single night. Making me miss our days. Making me regret some things. Making me miss the 4 years that we shared. The moments that we had. Just pure fuck. After that one night that we exchanged innocent glances — Almost ALL of it came back to life. I tried to ignore it. But damn. It won`t quit bugging me. I`m sorry if it`s bothering you as well. I`m not blaming you. No. Not one single cell of my body is blaming you for this. Now. I feel like I`m back all over again. It`s like a rerun. I have to get over you soon. For sherwin`s sake too. I know that he won`t stay longer if I keep on doing this to him. I mean. This way, I`m hurting him. I miss the happy days that sherwin and I had. I won`t say goodbye because this will be the nth time if I say goodbye to you again. To : Sherwin Rod Esperanza Jabellana — My bells, mine, my uyab, yogs, labyogs. I`m apologizing again… for putting you all through this again. I`m sincerely sorry. That`s coming from the bottom of my heart. Fucking gray heart. If I could just dictate my heart and let it kill these fuzzy feelings for x, I would! If I could just bump my head on the concrete so that I could forget everything about my past. And that it would all be about you. My present and my future?. Damn. Fuck. Shit. I wish I could. So that I could stop hurting you. I miss your smiles. Lately, you`ve been pretty distant. I blame myself for that. Sometimes I wish we could just exchange places so that I`d be the one suffering and not you. I seriously am trying my best to get over my x. You know that. Lately, I feel like I don`t know if what I`m doing is right. If I`m making the right decisions. I don`t know if pushing through my relationship with sherwin is the greatest idea. Or if I should just break up with him and be single for a time. Or if we should cool off. Or what. All I know is that I am not yet over my x. I guess I can`t throw away my wasted relationship with x that easily. Almost 4 years. I know I love sherwin. Don`t ask me to compare because that`s just plain bullshit. But then I think that I love them both. Fuck. Who`s gonna be my future? Past is not really trying steal me away from sherwin. FUCK!!! FUCK!!! FUCK!!! Now he`s letting me go.
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Trace of creativity. July 6th 2008, Sunday : 24 comments
Nothing is left in me. - Eka*Mika I feel like there`s not trace of creativity in my body. Not even one bit of artsy fartsy whatnot. And I feel like I suck at everything that I do. And that includes photography, writing and singing. All the things that I love doing but it seems like they1 don`t love me back. They despise me. I totally suck at Photography. Singing and Writing. For the past few days, I`ve been feeling this way. I talked to sherwin about this, and he tried his best to comfort me2 . He told me that I was good at dancing. Thanks mine, but I just feel like I suck at that also. And he advised me to talk to God. Ask help from HIM and sort of ask for guidance, or just simply talk to HIM and ask HIM what`s going on with me. I don`t know if I can do that. I mean… This *points at the short poem* is how I feel right now… I feel like I don`t have any talent at all. ENVIOUS — that`s the sucky part too. I mean, I easily get jealous of someone else`s talent. If someone is way better than me, I tend to quit at that chosen field. I mean if I had the choice to quit. I`d quit. I`d tend to drown myself in self-pity. And I would tell myself over and over again that I suck. And that I`m not good at anything and there`s always that someone who`s way better than me. I`d repeat to myself over and over again that I have no talent, and that I won`t excel at anything that I`d choose or want to do. I`m not pressuring myself to be someone who`s great. Someone who really excels in something. But I just want to be a bit good at something. Even if with just one thing. But I try to shake my brain and squeeze it so that I could thing of something that I`m good at but NOTHING. Nothing comes out of that shaking or squeezing. Damn it. Why do I have to be ME.
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Scandalous star. June 30th 2008, Monday : 13 comments
[EDIT]I couldn`t stand my pink layout anymore so I changed it! x) I hope you guys like this very simple layout that I made. Uhm. About the header? I took those shots just this morning before our MOCK WAR1 in PAKNAAN. It was a beautiful day. I love the color of the sky, and the clouds and trees. So poof! Instant amateur shots. *wink* And as for the layout itself. I don`t know. I just miss BLACK so much. I hope you guys like this and tell me if you encounter any errors. Thanks. ;D [/EDIT] I think I was true to my word. That I was indeed tired and too lazy to blog and bloghop. I even got tired of visiting my favorite sites, I just got tired of the internet life. *bummer* But I guess now, I`m back. But not with a new layout. I`m too lazy to make a new layout. If you`re kind enough. Do make me a new layout? *grin* It`s weird though because I`m sick of blogging BUT, yes, there`s a huge BUT there… I want a scandalous blog. A blog for 18 year olds and up. Blog with tons of mature contents. For selected viewers only. *grin* There, I`ll probably be talking about mature stuff. Like sex and the like. *wink* Oh well, I asked sherica2 of sunsetkitsch to host me. And I`m glad she agreed. Well, she offered to host me after my announcement in YM. *grin* Thanks sher. ;D So yeah, watch out for the scandalous blog of mine. *wink* What have I been doing for the past few days? Random stuff. Updates on my life. 1. Jam with my bandmates. Woot! I had so much fun! Mhin, Duj and Mokie. You guys rock! \m/ So yeah. Those are the latest stuff about my life. And oh. Lastly, NCM 104 (MED-SURG) is seriously kicking my ass. It`s killing me!!!! Must study harder. x(
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I`m partly tired of blogging. June 20th 2008, Friday : 15 comments
Gasp! I can`t believe I just typed that down, and I can`t believe that thought even crossed my freaking puny little brain. Well, I don`t know, probably because for the past few months, all I`ve been blogging about is just updates about my boring life. Especially the love life. I used to blog about sorta important stuff, or thoughts that would pass by my brain. Thoughts about my environment, things that I`ve observed, certain topics that interest me or current events. But lately, all I`ve been blogging about is just updates about my life. Though, if you think about it, blogging is about your life. Or your thoughts. So there`s nothing really wrong about that right? I don`t know. I probably miss my old blogging. My dark, morbid and depressing thoughts. Oh. And another thing, MOST of the time, I really feel like blogging is just a mere task that I have to do for others. And yeah, I`ve found a lot of great online friends. A few only. I won`t name them nalang. Haha. There are a few bloggers who are really close to me and even if I don`t have the energy to bloghop or what, I always always visit their sites. Probably because I`m the one who`s super atat for their update. And I just miss them, kaya I drop by most of the time sa sites nila. *grin* And if I have friends online, blogger friends, meron ring naman naiirita ako. Hahaha. I won`t expound on that nalang. Basta, naiinis minsan yung iba. Sobrang obvious na hindi sincere, and they`re just there para dumami hits ng site nila. Hahaha. Di totoong friends. Bwhahaha. Matamaan na kung sino man matamaan jan, I`m just saying whatever it is that`s on my mind and kung ano man na-f-feel ko. Iilan lang rin naman sila eh. Hehe. And yeah, aside from the friends and frenemies. There are also bloggers na who inspired me and I really get hooked sa blogs nila or sa sites nila. *grin* I just miss enjoying this shit. I don`t know about that. I`m probably gonna miss blogging but… right now, I really² feel like it`s a burden, a task. Sometimes, I just want to sit infront of the pc, type all of my random and not so random thoughts out and really BLOG. Again, don`t get me wrong. +++++ number of comments really make me smile from ear to ear, I`m happy of what`s happening to wordkill now. It`s too far from my old sites, before, I`d get 3-5 comments per post. *grin* And now, it`s more than 10. Which makes me super happy. But I know deep in my heart1 that it doesn`t really matter. Blogging is for me to express myself right? Well I guess that`s what I`m doing now. Maybe tomorrow. My feelings will change. I might be crazy about blogging again. Or… Maybe. Tomorrow… I`m still gonna be the same old me. Sick and tired of blogging.
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![]() If you`ll add me, I`ll add you too! *grin* ![]() You've stumbled upon my domain. Wordkill. GG bought this domain for me, and she's also hosting it. So kind of her. I won this in her contest before, and this is where I blab, rant, and again blab about anything. If you're offended what not by the contents, then just get out of here. *grin* And ooohh... You can use any browser. Firefox, Flock, IE. Whatever. *grin* 1024x768 resolution. Which means, it`s best viewed in any browser with a 1024x768 resolution. *wink* Site Stats wordkills star(s)online Posts: 58 Comments: 624 Categories: Last Post: Realizations. Last Commentator: ros Last Modified: July 21, 2008 @ 10:56 am (GMT 0) NAVIGATIONS
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"I’m a complex, coward, little girl, who thinks that the world simply revolves around her. A girl who dreams of becoming a princess, and thinks that the world is a like a fairy tale that’s always too good to be true. A runaway princess. Attention-seeking spoiled brat. A stupid girl. Unintentionally I break hearts and then feel guilty afterwards and I would wallow in self-pity and hate myself for eternity. I'd give credit to THAT SOMEONE who could successfully break my heart into tiny bits and hurt me inside and out. A harsh reality. I guess that's me, and anyone who has the courage to deal with that, I salute to you boss. Go ahead and give yourself a round of applause for taking the time to get to know me and dive into my fucked up world." - Ekaterina Mika Just the Basic Stuff
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i felt so sad with this entry.. but you yourself is still your best confidant.. and i totally agree...Top Commentators
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