I wanted to bloghop and return all of the comments on my previous entry but then all of a sudden, my energy went down the drain after reading sherwin`s comment. I just wanna die right now. Somebody please break my heart and crush it into pieces please.

To : My x-rockstar.

I thought that I was completey over you.
I thought that I was able to get you out of my thoughts.
Get you out of my heart. But I guess I was mistaken.
I`m human. Imperfect. I do make mistakes too.
But nope, I didn`t see this coming.
I wasn`t really expecting this mistake.
My mistake of not yet GETTING OVER YOU.

I guess my blissful relationship with sherwin covered up the remaining feelings that I had for you. And now. It`s fully alive. All these fuzzy feelings creeping up on me like a dead zombie trying to get its revenge for experiencing an untimely death. Robbing me off that piece of mind that I badly need. Zombie that`s haunting me every single night. Making me miss our days. Making me regret some things. Making me miss the 4 years that we shared. The moments that we had. Just pure fuck.

After that one night that we exchanged innocent glances — Almost ALL of it came back to life. I tried to ignore it. But damn. It won`t quit bugging me. I`m sorry if it`s bothering you as well.

I`m not blaming you. No. Not one single cell of my body is blaming you for this.
I did this to myself. Not you. Not sherwin. This was my choice.

Now. I feel like I`m back all over again. It`s like a rerun.
I know that we both have to get over each other.
REALLY GET OVER each other.
I know that you`re better off without me.
And that we`re both better off as FRIENDS. BEST FRIENDS.

I have to get over you soon. For sherwin`s sake too. I know that he won`t stay longer if I keep on doing this to him. I mean. This way, I`m hurting him.

I miss the happy days that sherwin and I had.
Unfortunately, I miss our days too. But it`s all over now.
I have to give sherwin and I a chance too. And I guess, you`ll find that someone for you in the future.

I won`t say goodbye because this will be the nth time if I say goodbye to you again.
See you around then. My best friend. I hope we move on soon.

- - - - - - - - - -

To : Sherwin Rod Esperanza Jabellana — My bells, mine, my uyab, yogs, labyogs.

I`m apologizing again… for putting you all through this again.
I know. Right now, you`re full of doubts. And you`re probably regretting the fact that you pushed through courting me. Or whatever.

I`m sincerely sorry. That`s coming from the bottom of my heart. Fucking gray heart.

If I could just dictate my heart and let it kill these fuzzy feelings for x, I would! If I could just bump my head on the concrete so that I could forget everything about my past. And that it would all be about you. My present and my future?. Damn. Fuck. Shit. I wish I could. So that I could stop hurting you.

I miss your smiles.
I miss your laughter.
I miss our happy convos.
I miss the sweet moments that we used to have.
I miss us.

Lately, you`ve been pretty distant. I blame myself for that.
Lately, all I`ve been giving you is pain and suffering.
Lately, I know that I haven`t been the girlfriend that I`m supposed to be.

Sometimes I wish we could just exchange places so that I`d be the one suffering and not you.
I wish I could take away the pain that you`re feeling right now.
I`m sorry.

I seriously am trying my best to get over my x. You know that.

- - - - - - - - - -

Lately, I feel like I don`t know if what I`m doing is right. If I`m making the right decisions. I don`t know if pushing through my relationship with sherwin is the greatest idea. Or if I should just break up with him and be single for a time. Or if we should cool off. Or what.

All I know is that I am not yet over my x. I guess I can`t throw away my wasted relationship with x that easily. Almost 4 years.

I know I love sherwin. Don`t ask me to compare because that`s just plain bullshit.

But then I think that I love them both. Fuck.
Selfish? My sister told me that it`s possible to love two people at the same time. The appropriate question now would be. Who do I love more? The past? Or The present?

Who`s gonna be my future?
My past? or present?
Or none of the above?

Past is not really trying steal me away from sherwin.
But that doesn`t mean I shouldn`t ask myself this question : who do I love more?
Is the answer really that important? Does it really matter?
Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

- - - - - - - - - -

FUCK!!! FUCK!!! FUCK!!!
*sigh* Just look at his comment.

Now he`s letting me go.
I don`t deserve to be loved. Fuck.
I`m always the heart breaker!
Shit. Shit. Shit.

Nothing is left in me.
No trace. No. Nothing.
I need to start calling out your name.
I think I need you right now.
But how can I face you with my dark past.
Too embarrassed to say hello.
Too fucked up for you.
I don`t deserve you.

- Eka*Mika

I feel like there`s not trace of creativity in my body. Not even one bit of artsy fartsy whatnot. And I feel like I suck at everything that I do. And that includes photography, writing and singing. All the things that I love doing but it seems like they<sup>1</sup> don`t love me back. They despise me.

I totally suck at Photography. Singing and Writing.

For the past few days, I`ve been feeling this way. I talked to sherwin about this, and he tried his best to comfort me<sup>2</sup> . He told me that I was good at dancing. Thanks mine, but I just feel like I suck at that also. And he advised me to talk to God. Ask help from HIM and sort of ask for guidance, or just simply talk to HIM and ask HIM what`s going on with me. I don`t know if I can do that. I mean… This *points at the short poem* is how I feel right now…

I feel like I don`t have any talent at all.
TALENTLESSNESS…

ENVIOUS — that`s the sucky part too. I mean, I easily get jealous of someone else`s talent. If someone is way better than me, I tend to quit at that chosen field. I mean if I had the choice to quit. I`d quit.

I`d tend to drown myself in self-pity. And I would tell myself over and over again that I suck. And that I`m not good at anything and there`s always that someone who`s way better than me. I`d repeat to myself over and over again that I have no talent, and that I won`t excel at anything that I`d choose or want to do.

I`m not pressuring myself to be someone who`s great. Someone who really excels in something. But I just want to be a bit good at something. Even if with just one thing. But I try to shake my brain and squeeze it so that I could thing of something that I`m good at but NOTHING. Nothing comes out of that shaking or squeezing.

Damn it. Why do I have to be ME.

1. photography, writing and singing [↩]
2. thanks mine. you distracted me from my depressive thoughts. *grin* [↩]

[EDIT]I couldn`t stand my pink layout anymore so I changed it! x) I hope you guys like this very simple layout that I made. Uhm. About the header? I took those shots just this morning before our MOCK WAR<sup>1</sup> in PAKNAAN. It was a beautiful day. I love the color of the sky, and the clouds and trees. So poof! Instant amateur shots. *wink* And as for the layout itself. I don`t know. I just miss BLACK so much. I hope you guys like this and tell me if you encounter any errors. Thanks. ;D [/EDIT]

I think I was true to my word. That I was indeed tired and too lazy to blog and bloghop. I even got tired of visiting my favorite sites, I just got tired of the internet life. *bummer*

But I guess now, I`m back. But not with a new layout. I`m too lazy to make a new layout. If you`re kind enough. Do make me a new layout? *grin*

It`s weird though because I`m sick of blogging BUT, yes, there`s a huge BUT there… I want a scandalous blog. A blog for 18 year olds and up. Blog with tons of mature contents. For selected viewers only. *grin* There, I`ll probably be talking about mature stuff. Like sex and the like. *wink* Oh well, I asked sherica² of sunsetkitsch to host me. And I`m glad she agreed. Well, she offered to host me after my announcement in YM. *grin* Thanks sher. ;D

So yeah, watch out for the scandalous blog of mine. *wink*

What have I been doing for the past few days?
I`ve been uploading photos in my multiply account! Got hooked on photography again and again and again. x) Just visit my multiply account to view my latest photos.

Random stuff. Updates on my life.

1. Jam with my bandmates. Woot! I had so much fun! Mhin, Duj and Mokie. You guys rock! \m/
2. Celebrate my mother`s birthday by dining out and a trip to the beach. x) Where we explored the wildlife of some sort. Check out my multiply for the photos.
3. Patched things up with sherwin. No we didn`t break up, but at least now, we`re doing really fine. I so love him to death .<3 Really really am crazy about him. Yes. Only him. ;D I`m not torn between two lovers anymore. *grin* My heart`s with sherwin. *eeew* CORNY. CHEESY.
4. I`m glad that me and rockstar are still best friends though. \m/
5. My mom knows that me and my sister drink alcohol. And he`s okay with it. It was because of this incident. My sister went home really drunk. I mean, she passed out! She was unconscious when she got home. She was carried sort of -- inalalay -- by her friends. So yeah, my mom found out that she drinks, she knows that I drink because of this certain confession I made to the doctor when I was hospitalized early this year. Good thing she`s okay with it.
6. I`m having so much fun in PAKNAAN. My area. I wish I`d stay there forever. *grin* So much fun with my areamates. x) We had this mock war thing this morning. Check out my multiply for that.
7. I`m happy that my days aren`t numbered anymore. Hmmm. I`ll probably talk about this in my scandalous blog. COMING SOON! ;D
8. My dad`s coming home next month!
9. I am soooo hooked with photography again. I suck at it, but hell, I love it. My partner (Canon Digital IXUS 75) is with me 24/7 because of this addiction.
10. I love love love jamming! \m/ And yeah, I so love the band UH HUH HER.

So yeah. Those are the latest stuff about my life.
I`ll try to bloghop tonight.

And oh. Lastly, NCM 104 (MED-SURG) is seriously kicking my ass. It`s killing me!!!! Must study harder. x(

1. Just ask me what a mock war is if you have no clue what game it is — *grin* [↩]
2. Bwhaha. I typed sherwin at first instead of sherica, gaaawd, I miss him [↩]

Gasp! I can`t believe I just typed that down, and I can`t believe that thought even crossed my freaking puny little brain. Well, I don`t know, probably because for the past few months, all I`ve been blogging about is just updates about my boring life. Especially the love life. I used to blog about sorta important stuff, or thoughts that would pass by my brain. Thoughts about my environment, things that I`ve observed, certain topics that interest me or current events. But lately, all I`ve been blogging about is just updates about my life.

Though, if you think about it, blogging is about your life. Or your thoughts. So there`s nothing really wrong about that right? I don`t know. I probably miss my old blogging. My dark, morbid and depressing thoughts.

Oh. And another thing, MOST of the time, I really feel like blogging is just a mere task that I have to do for others.
Bloghopping is such a burden for me most of the time, it`s not really enjoyable anymore.
I mean, don`t get me wrong, I seriously love reading all of your thoughts guys, but I guess, it`s just nursing sucking the blogging life out of me.

And yeah, I`ve found a lot of great online friends. A few only. I won`t name them nalang. Haha. There are a few bloggers who are really close to me and even if I don`t have the energy to bloghop or what, I always always visit their sites. Probably because I`m the one who`s super atat for their update. And I just miss them, kaya I drop by most of the time sa sites nila. *grin*

And if I have friends online, blogger friends, meron ring naman naiirita ako. Hahaha. I won`t expound on that nalang. Basta, naiinis minsan yung iba. Sobrang obvious na hindi sincere, and they`re just there para dumami hits ng site nila. Hahaha. Di totoong friends. Bwhahaha. Matamaan na kung sino man matamaan jan, I`m just saying whatever it is that`s on my mind and kung ano man na-f-feel ko. Iilan lang rin naman sila eh. Hehe.

And yeah, aside from the friends and frenemies. There are also bloggers na who inspired me and I really get hooked sa blogs nila or sa sites nila. *grin*

I just miss enjoying this shit.
Do you guys think I should go on a hiatus or something? And just concentrate on my studies?

I don`t know about that. I`m probably gonna miss blogging but… right now, I really² feel like it`s a burden, a task.
I feel like I`m doing this for the sake of entertaining others. I feel like I have to update so that my site would have more hits or something. I feel like I have to change my layout because I don`t want this site to be too boring.

Sometimes, I just want to sit infront of the pc, type all of my random and not so random thoughts out and really BLOG.
Why do I feel like it`s a huge huge huge burden?

Again, don`t get me wrong. +++++ number of comments really make me smile from ear to ear, I`m happy of what`s happening to wordkill now. It`s too far from my old sites, before, I`d get 3-5 comments per post. *grin* And now, it`s more than 10. Which makes me super happy. But I know deep in my heart¹ that it doesn`t really matter. Blogging is for me to express myself right?

Well I guess that`s what I`m doing now. Maybe tomorrow. My feelings will change. I might be crazy about blogging again.
I might go bloghopping. I might post a new layout. Who knows right?

Or… Maybe. Tomorrow… I`m still gonna be the same old me. Sick and tired of blogging.

1. hell yes, I do have a heart [↩]